Stuff

[SgtHetfield]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one
Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church
the next morning During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

“No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two
priests and a goat stood up.

[SgtHetfield]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tyre was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you .

I've changed my mind.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

################################################## ##

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ******************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

[SgtHetfield]

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet

Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Ramada Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: Aroma -- French perfume
Lust: Aroma -- Brut aftershave ..........(YUK!!!!)
Marriage: Aroma -- "The baby needs changing..."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm..."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands...

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex - what the heck is that?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "makin love".
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When...uh...what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is cheques.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all
around
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

[SgtHetfield]

Selection of metaphors from student essays....

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled
with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cork at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Dublin at
4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr.
on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me! she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on
31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.

[SgtHetfield]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell
Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved,
hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after
you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

Love it! Especially the first and last post. =-]

[SiN-e]

The
Love
Lust
marriage was the best by far!

[Ironface_NL]

Sarge has to much spare time on his hands I would say. . They were all great Sarge

[SgtHetfield]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have
to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under
the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his
life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...
somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.

It's George W Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under ... forever. You have two options - you can save the life of G.W.
Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the worlds most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer: (scroll down)























































































































Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

[SgtHetfield]

Originally Posted by Ironface_NL

Sarge has to much spare time on his hands I would say. . They were all great Sarge

More tomorrow